Xe was dressed all in fur, from xer head to xer foot,
And xer skin was the color of charcoal, of soot;
Xe proudly wore jeans that were skinny, not fat,
And each inch of xer arm was adorned with a tat.
With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore (if in fact he had anything to do with the writing of “A Visit from St. Nicholas”), the people have spoken (again), and if Christmas is to be celebrated at all (big if), it will need to reflect “modern” values.
According to CBS News, a graphic design company called GraphicSprings “used Google surveys to collect responses from 400 people across the U.S. and U.K. on how they would rebrand Santa with a more modern edge. A selection of those choices was then circulated to and voted on by a wider group of 4,000 people.” In tabulating the responses, the two dozen or so refinements to the Santa Claus persona were lumped into three broad categories: His appearance, his transport, and his “gender.”
Wished-for traits not included in the above quatrain include the view that he should use Amazon Prime, drink beer, look younger, and travel in a limo.
Missing from the survey was the opportunity to opine on whether Santa even exists, and there were no links to other politically correct “improvements” on the Santa mythos, such as a reference to “Santa’s Husband” — an illustrated children’s book that depicts St. Nick as gay, black, and married to a man.
There’s always next year, one supposes.