Letters to True Believers

Letters to True Believers

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My dear, dear friends at the IRS:

Let me be the first to reassure you that you have done nothing wrong in looking into the financial issues of Dr. Benjamin Carson. I was pleased to hear of this scrutiny when it first occurred, but was doubly glad to find it now making its way into the media, where it can serve as an example to others. Dr. Carson’s intemperate criticism of the president’s policies had to be addressed. He was not speaking the truth, and, as we all know, that’s what free speech is for.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help with this matter as much as I would have liked, but I have been occupied with other pressing issues. You will be happy to know, though, that I am looking forward to much free time and an upcoming vacation in the Cayman Islands. I have many “friends” there, if you know what I mean.

With all my best wishes,

Louise Learner (name changed to protect myself, as you know….)

Dear U.S. Park Service:

Congratulations and many thanks! You are doing fine work, serving as a shining example of the sublime power of the state–especially the state that projects a single national character and culture.

We were pleased to see people in uniforms — particularly the tan-colored ones that you appear to favor — barricading the World War II monuments, of which we are not fond.

Although I am sorry to hear the government shutdown is the cause of this magnificent tactic, I am hopeful that your inspiring actions will continue, and we will soon be able to sing in uplifting harmony….America, America over alles! all!

Sincerely,

Hans Wienerschnitzel
President
American Nazi Party

Dear SEIU members:

Although I applaud your efforts to make sure that ordinary Americans feel your pain during this government shutdown, I’d like to make a few suggestions. Try to keep “one-percenter” types out of your photo opportunities. The man in the bike helmet in the NPR story looked as if he drinks Perrier and was ready to pedal off to Citronelle in Georgetown to dine on Chateaubriand. Not a good image for a government worker.

Look for more “ordinary” people — especially obese ones — to show their support of your activities. And if you can, make sure that some of your supporters pretend to be members of the Tea Party. These folks should stand on the sidelines and yell profanities at you and Park Service workers. As a reminder, I paste here my guidelines for the “types” to use:

  • Midwesterner: gap-toothed drawler, talks about Obama being born in Kenya
  • West Virginian: gap-toothed drawler, talks about “those homos” and wears Confederate flag T-shirt (I have extras to send you if you need them)
  • Southerner: all of the above but also talks about the Jewish-led Federal Reserve and how much he admires Rand Paul.

Keep the faith! Viva la revolution!

Sincerely,

Karla “Che” Anthony-Davis-Markham-Bollinger
President
Saul Alinsky Institute

Chers camarades de Les États Unis d’Amérique:

Je vous écris pour vous remercier milles fois pour votre fraternité et solidarité avec les travailleurs du monde entier. Les barricades que vous avez placées devant les cimetières de Normandie et d’ailleurs montrent à tous que les droits des travailleurs sont plus importants que n’importe quoi. Je souhaite seulement que votre courage et votre force d’esprit pourraient se propager entre certains de nos meilleurs citoyens français – oui, je pense, malheureusement, à Gérard Depardieu.

J’espère que votre gouvernement “shutdown” est bientôt résolu, que tous les fonctionnaires américains retournent au travail, à plein salaire et bénéfices bien au-delà de ceux des employés du secteur privé. En attendant, sachez que vous servez d’exemple brillant à tous les camarades qui travaillent pour un gouvernement qui prend à tous en fonction de leur capacité et donne à chacun selon son besoin.

Et maintenant, je vais chercher du bon vin a la cave.

Jacques Robespierre IX
Parti communiste de france

TO: Executive Board Members

FROM: Secretary, Tea Party

Good news! We’ve been able to cancel the upcoming media buys for our “Government is Out of Control” campaign. Will explain at our next meeting.

_________________
Libby Sternberg is a novelist. Her latest book is After the War.


Libby Sternberg

Libby Sternberg

Libby Sternberg is an Edgar-nominated novelist whose works include humorous women’s fiction, young adult fiction, and historical fiction. Her political writings have appeared at Hot Air, the Weekly Standard, Insight, the Wall Street Journal, and Christian Science Monitor.

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