Thomas Herring has something to get off his chest. No, really: He does. Herring, a senior at the University of Illinois, is suing a local pizzeria which offered free pies to students willing to expose their breasts. Herring did just that. As stated in his lawsuit against Drew’s Pizza, of Champlain, Ill., he stood “in front of the restaurant for six straight hours exposing [his] bountiful man-breasts” and received not a morsel, not a crumb.
Drew’s obviously never anticipated this eventuality when they announced their “tits for toppings” promotion. The literature made no claims that the breast barer had to be a co-ed.
The pizzeria called off the promotion during Herring’s bare-chested appearance, which offered passersby not only an eyeful of his gynecomastic endowments but an earful as well. According to The Black Sheep, a website on campus life, he screamed as he stood on the sidewalk:
They really just know how to make a guy feel like sh*t. It’s awful coming to the realization that we live in a world where a man’s breasts are deemed ‘unacceptable’ or ‘inferior’ to a woman’s. With how far we’ve come as a society … I’m sorry, but that’s f**ked up.
The husky Herring also provided action, picking up a dispenser filled with copies of the “Daily Illini,” the university’s student newspaper, and hurling it through the establishment’s window.
Initially, the “sexist, pizza-making pigs” (Herring’s term for them) attempted to avoid eye contact, even after (especially after?) he began jiggling his breasts. But when he began massaging his nipples seductively, shouting, “What more do you want?!” the staff of the restaurant shut down, fearing for their lives. Said one worker, who sounded sympathetic:
The malice in his eyes was something unlike I’ve ever seen. I mean, we p**sed off a lot of girls walking by the place, which we figured, whatever, ‘tits or GTFO,’ right? We just wrongly assumed that it was okay to discriminate who’s entitled to a free pizza solely based on gender, I guess. I tried talking with my manager about the promotion’s social implications, but he normally just keeps himself locked up in the back room all night and emerges, noticeably disoriented, only to reveal the next big Drew’s Pizza marketing scheme.
Herring meantime has become an activist against what he calls “the single worst blow that has been dealt upon men’s rights and late-night appetite,” adding that “the way to a man’s chest” is no different than the way to a woman’s. (You get the distinct sense that Herring hasn’t dated all that much.)
His attorney, meanwhile, has little to say about the case, other than to note that his client is seeking $50,000 for “emotional” damage and the promised free pizza. The unnamed attorney is quoted as saying off the record:
I really don’t know what to tell the kid. From what he’s told me, he can actually be sued for public indecency for both suggestively grabbing his chest region and rubbing a nearby lamppost with his bare genitals.
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