Lima Victor: The Super-spreader Bowl

Lima Victor: The Super-spreader Bowl
Wilson!!! (LU Staff)

Well, shipmates, imagine a world in which your faithful LU Football Commentary Service had been on the ball, so to speak, and gotten a juicy, meaty post full of tidbits and insight up in time for correspondents to read it.

Keep imagining, and don’t forget to fortify yourselves with those refreshing beverages.

Practicing our just-in-time delivery, a few things every Zoom-class school-zombie knows.  It’s Super Bowl LV day, there’s apparently no Budweiser commercial (I don’t know why we’re always the last to know these things), it’s, like, freezing in Tampa at only 70-odd degrees and it’ll only get worse from here, and everyone has KC giving sumpin (3 points seems to be the going figure).

Will this presidential election be the most important in American history?

We, personally, know the Chiefs are the better team.  Mahomes is distinguished and impressive, and what a receiver corps.  We can’t quite get past Grampa Brady (huh? huh?  Shades of fake lawns and 60s turquoise) having gotten the Bucs this far.  And we also know someone who personally knows one of Brady’s chief assets, guard Ali Marpet (who it turns out went to Hobart up in New York, Nemesis of Merchant Marine football and occasionally of Coast Guard as well).  So there’s that.  The Bucs are the NFC team, so we’ll loyally root for them from behind our 6-story, cantilevered masking apparatus.

Plus we also remember being stationed in Tampa and how everyone else south of 275 left town before the Super Bowl the year it was hosted in Raymond James, which admittedly meant no drive-thru line at the Krispy Kreme that Sunday morning because the football tourists didn’t know it was there.  That was back before you always knew where everything was; you couldn’t just say “Krispy Kreme” and have you car start jabbering at you about how to get there.  (In any case, I think the Krispy Kreme is gone now.)

Mahomes does come in with his turf toe, which we assume will be wrapped and injected within an inch of absolute zero.  I can’t tell from the coy patter if Chiefs WR Sammy Watkins will be playing or not.  KC is hip deep in receivers of excellence, but Watkins, with his own variety of Beast Mode, would certainly be missed.

For the Bucs, Antonio Brown and Cameron Brate (TE) are still listed as questionable, which is tough on Grampa.  Grampa’s in insane shape, but he’s still a half-step slower than 10 years ago.

In any case, we’re expecting a rocking good game.  The teams having played already this season (KC 27-24) gives us a touchstone for expectations — hence the 3-point give — even though Tampa Bay has improved on both sides of the ball.

Vittle up.  Haul out the puu-puus, barbecue for the crew, and holler your lungs out.  Dr. Fauci is counting on you (how else can we keep the multi-masking mandate going strong into the next decade?).

And stop on by in case anybody does anything stupid.  Turnovers might cause us to make an Olympic sport of COVID-spreading. We’re sure you can spread it over the Internet, just like you can from bats 600 miles from Wuhan to humans in Level-4 hazmat suits.

Best of luck to both teams. Enjoy that B-1 flyover.

J.E. Dyer

J.E. Dyer

J.E. Dyer is a retired Naval Intelligence officer who lives in Southern California, blogging as The Optimistic Conservative for domestic tranquility and world peace. Her articles have appeared at Hot Air, Commentary’s Contentions, Patheos, The Daily Caller, The Jewish Press, and The Weekly Standard.


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