Idiocy alert: 7-year-old suspended for throwing imaginary hand grenade

Idiocy alert: 7-year-old suspended for throwing imaginary hand grenade


If nothing else, administrators at Mary Blair Elementary School in Loveland, Colo., have proved they are equal-opportunity morons. Their suspension of 7-year-old Alex Evans on Thursday had nothing to do with guns. Instead, the child was subjected to this extreme disciplinary measure for hurling a make-believe hand grenade on the school’s playground.

You read that right. SFGate reports there “was absolutely nothing in [the boy’s] hand.” Obviously not much in the principal’s head, either. The unnamed administrator told reporters, “[The child] threw the pretend grenade at an imaginary box that had something evil inside.”

Alex’s version of events is similar. He explained to FOX News Denver affiliate KDVR-TV that he didn’t throw the pretend grenade at another student but rather into a box that contained “evil forces,” all in an effort to “save the world.”


The school, however, is standing its ground, maintaining that the second grader violated one of its “absolutes,” three major no-nos spelled out on its website (which has gone dark since the story broke):

  • No physical abuse or fights — real or “play fighting.”
  • No weapons (real or play), illegal drugs (including tobacco) or alcohol.
  • No serious disrespect toward people or property (includes, but is not limited: profanity, racial slurs, deliberately refusing to follow a staff directive, graffiti, etc.).

But according to the school’s published “procedure” for dealing with “absolutes,” Alex should simply have been sent home for the day:

A student will be allowed two non-severe, non-suspension occurrences. The third occurrence will constitute a formal suspension, which could be up to five school days. A conference is always held with the teacher and the principal as to the severity of the consequence.

Officious tone aside, the language is clear: It is only after a third “strike” that a student is suspended. There is nothing in the story to suggest that Alex had any “priors.”

Still, when you picture the imaginary carnage, you can almost understand where the school is coming from.

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Howard Portnoy

Howard Portnoy

Howard Portnoy has written for The Blaze, HotAir, NewsBusters, Weasel Zippers, Conservative Firing Line, RedCounty, and New York’s Daily News. He has one published novel, Hot Rain, (G. P. Putnam’s Sons), and has been a guest on Radio Vice Online with Jim Vicevich, The Alana Burke Show, Smart Life with Dr. Gina, and The George Espenlaub Show.


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