For those who are still reading, the Telegraph notes that “in the good old days, all you needed to be ready for sex was two willing participants and a healthy dose of sexual chemistry.”
That was followed by a period (oops, poor word choice) during which women began to pluck, shave, and wax their neither regions. Now, vajacials are all the rage.
Vajacial: That’s a portmanteau made up of “vagina” and “facial.” Having begun in 2010 as a relatively simple affair, author Olivia Goldhill informs us, beauticians have moved on from scented lotions to “a whole new range of vagina-themed beauty products.”
Some women, before a big date or perhaps a romantic mini-break, actually book themselves in for a treatment of vaginal steaming.
Presumably, they sit back, spread their legs and allow steam to gently (I hope) cleanse their vagina. But what temperature is the steam, where (exactly) does it go, and how on earth is steam any better at cleaning than plain water?
The treatments are usually done a day or two after the woman’s period ends, and ‘heals any imbalances’ in the vagina. Which suggests I’ve been walking around with an unbalanced vagina for years.
Vaginoplasty is another trend, where you can surgically shape your vagina into the desired shape. But what is this desired shape and who has a vagina that needs to be cosmetically re-modelled before sex? Poetry aside, vaginas are weird-looking things – they’re so un-pretty, I’m unsure what a ‘beautiful’ vagina is supposed to look like. Perhaps we’ve been going overboard with the flower metaphors and some women actually want their vaginas to look like a rose.
Symmetry and neatness are listed as the longed-for traits, but this raises a whole new set of questions – is everyone else measuring their vaginas for perfect symmetry?
Now London’s getting in on what started as America’s vaginal fashion trends, with salons offering ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ for hundreds of pounds. Bad news for students then (and most other people), who will undoubtedly struggle to afford an appropriately-preened vagina. Maybe it can be a special treat that couples save up for once a year, when they can enjoy annual sex day with properly presented sexual organs.
Had enough? Yes, us too. So, it seems, does Goodhill, who concludes her dime tour of vaginal beautification with the observation:
Vaginas are weird and they are hairy and that’s how they’re supposed to be. We need to stop worrying about what our poor vaginas look like during sex. It’s how they feel that really counts.