The art of concealment, if it can be called an art, requires ingenuity. However, even in the most imaginative of smuggling capers, there is no guarantee that the culprit won’t be caught. In January 2013, a woman returning home from the Dominican Republican with 6-1/2 kilos of cocaine secreted in a makeshift adult diaper was intercepted by savvy customs personnel at JFK Airport in New York. Two months later, another woman tried to sneak 100 grams of coke past security at the same airport. This time, the drugs were stashed in her vagina.
But a story out of South Carolina out-grosses both of those botched efforts. In this case, the prize was pilfered steaks. The vessel in which the purloined sirloin (actually ribeye) was transported? The shoplifter’s colostomy bag!
The Smoking Gun has the nauseating details:
Cops were called Tuesday afternoon to the Food Lion after employees reported that “an older white male” stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan (the license plate for which they copied down).
Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office deputies traced the car back to David Samuel Hoyt, 55, who they found at the residence of Angela Woody, who “lives on Shaw Rd. down from the Church of God.”
During questioning, Hoyt … initially denied stealing the steaks, but later “made a verbal confession” to the theft, saying that he put the meat in bags and walked out of Food Lion.
Woody, Hoyt’s 47-year-old girlfriend, offered a police lieutenant further details about her beau’s steak heist. “Mrs. Woody confirmed that Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag,” a deputy noted. [Emphasis added]
Thankfully, additional details about that means of conveyance were not memorialized by investigators.
The police report also fails to mention what became of the musky meat, though one devoutly hopes it wasn’t returned to the store.