The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground. —THOMAS JEFFERSON, 1788

Female teen has sex on school bus, elbows 13-year-old for laughing when she ‘queefs’

Clover, South Carolina, USA --- Flashing Lights and Sign on School Bus --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Some operant definitions may be in order (at least for readers who don’t watch ‘South Park’). From the Urban Dictionary:

Queef (n.): An expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.

And from the yet-to-be-written Portnovian Dictionary:

Smackeroony (n): A blow delivered to the testicles of an individual who laughs at your queef.

The Smoking Gun reports that this unusual chain of events produced one of the most artful police reports in the annals of law enforcement. The incident occurred last Friday after school as the school bus made its rounds in Armstrong County Township, about 50 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.

Pennsylvania State Police “Trooper Brad Jordan, whose initial report used less than 60 words to provide a memorable description of the encounter between the young woman and the 13-year-old victim,” appears below:

Police report

The Gun adds:

The graphic nature of Jordan’s account was met with consternation by embarrassed State Police brass, who directed that an updated report be faxed Saturday to local media outlets. The second dispatch asked recipients to “please disregard” the prior report.

In an interview yesterday, Trooper Jordan said that while the January 17 bus incident was described accurately in his initial report, the recounting of the wind release was, on reflection, too explicit in terms of “terminology and language.”

The accused, who recently turned 18, was cited for harassment.

Naturally, the story will raise troubling questions in the minds of some readers. For example, what is an 18-year-old doing riding a school bus?

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Howard Portnoy has written for HotAir, NewsBusters, Weasel Zippers, Conservative Firing Line, RedCounty, and New York’s Daily News. He has one published novel, Hot Rain, (G. P. Putnam’s Sons), and has been a guest on Radio Vice Online with Jim Vicevich, The Alana Burke Show, Smart Life with Dr. Gina, and The George Espenlaub Show.

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  • cozmo

    Sometimes you just have to shake your head…and pray your kid isn’t on a similar bus.

    The updated police report states that information in the previous report was incorrect. Do they say any where what information was incorrect?

  • teejk

    Never having the luxury (or pain depending on the perspective…we have one kid in the remote forest here that gets picked up at 6:20am and dropped off at 5:00pm), my school bus experience was limited to field trips. Do they heat school buses now? Now perhaps she was paying attention to all the instruction given lately to young women and how to achieve the “O” so the rough winter roads in a bus might have compensated for the lack of heat in the back of the bus. Does the story say whether the “Smackeroony” was delivered to the other participant or was he merely observing? If the former, then expect a song about “true love gone wrong”. If the latter, I guess we have the making of “Boogie Nights II”. Btw, looking forward to the Portnovian Dictionary.

    • Howard Portnoy

      Allow me to retort, teejk (said in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson in “Pulp Fiction.” The incident happened north of Pittsburgh, which is my neck of the woods. Winters there, even before global warming, weren’t so cold as to require that kind of warmth. That the “Smackeroony” was indeed delivered is confirmed by the police report.

      I will send you an autographed copy of the Portnovian Dictionary once I get around to writing it. In exchange, I hope to receive a recording of the song about true love gone wrong.

      • teejk

        you missed the question…was the recipient of the “Smackeroony” delivered by party A to party B? Or was the recipient sitting in the bleacher seats (in which case I think it is a much bigger problem)? I think I kinda know the general area having made too many road trips via I80. Barkeyville/Oil City area as I recall and as I recall “The Deer Hunter” movie was based on that area (that movie still bothers me because I think it was the first movie I ever saw that “just ended” with no happy ending…not unlike the final episode of the Sopranos that came decades later). Hurry on the dictionary because I have the song just about finished…I kid my wife about Taylor Swift songs…melody is the same, just change the words).

      • Howard Portnoy

        Ahh, gotcha. It was the queefer who delivered the “Smackeroony.”

      • teejk

        You goofing with me Howard? The “pitcher” was obvious from the story…just wondering whether the “batter” or a “fan” got the wild pitch. If it was a fan, then that relates back to my “Boogie Nights” thing…

      • cozmo

        Dude, it was a fan!

      • teejk

        With that cleared up, then this story gets sadder. Do they charge a cover to get on the bus? Do they have a 2 drink minimum?

      • Howard Portnoy


      • Howard Portnoy

        Er … hey, a squirrel!

        Look, I grant you I’m slow on the uptake, but I thought it was fairly clear that it was a “fan” who was “beaned” (to maintain the baseball analogy). Sorry I didn’t catch your drift earlier.

      • J.e. Dyer

        Imagining the baseball equivalent of a Smackeroony makes for an entertaining mental exercise.
        But trying to come up with the baseball equivalent of a queef? Hard to see the payoff.

      • teejk

        The baseball analogy was only used to describe the post queef events. I couldn’t think of any activity that could tie all events together.

      • J.e. Dyer

        Hey, you riff your way, I’ll riff mine…

      • Howard Portnoy

        Not to belabor this, but wouldn’t the baseball equivalent of a queef be a balk?

      • teejk

        I was thinking about balk Howard but I couldn’t make it work (nothing illegal about a queef in the Joy of Sex book). I’ll have to keep thinking. As a p.s., I’ll say that the roster as clarified tells me that the song will sit on the shelf in favor of filming Boogie Nights II. That’s good because I’ll have time to work in anything that rhymes with queef (kinda knowing the general incident area, beef is probably a no-brainer, but expect to also see relief, leaf, bequeath, wreath and a few others).

      • politicstick

        Baseball equivalent of a queef:
        The sound of the air rushing back in, to fill the vaccum left when Chuck Norris hits a home run…….

        Happy? (c;

      • Eagle2758


      • cozmo

        Dude, he wanted to know if the kid who got smacked in the privates was the guy having sex.

        Walks away shaking head.

      • Howard Portnoy

        cozmo, please see my mea culpa above. At least I didn’t call anyone a victim, eh? :-)

      • cozmo

        Hey Jack! (uncle Si voice) I was reading some deep stuff from Simon, Preston and Dyer. My brain was leaking out of my ears and I got a little snippy. Sorry I made y’all the victims of my ire.

      • Renee Nal

        I’ll bet you never wrote that sentence before today.

  • Renee Nal

    Wow. There are no words…

  • william major

    yes sir ,a daughter to be proud of right there .. pig

  • Jeff Edelman

    Twenty years or more I heard the term for vaginal flatulation was: queeb.

    • Howard Portnoy

      Queeb works for me. Thanks for pointing out that alternative.

  • uddeboda2

    Whats the world coming to in the USA, cant even have a good fcuk on the way to school

  • Gal Spunes

    I think the english language got significantly poorer when somebody coined the word “queef”.

    If she makes that noise, it’s a signal that your pecker’s too small.

    • cozmo

      Considering she is getting herself some on the ride home in an occupied school bus, maybe its not an undersized bat.
      The last remaining piece of my vaguely remembered southern gentlemanlyness forbids me from going any farther.

      • Gal Spunes

        True. If she’s the kind of tramp that’s up for it on a school bus, she’s probably got a vag like a wizard’s sleeve.

        Strap a plank across your ass to avoid falling in.

  • newjerseykills

    When I was in high school I had friends who were seniors and 18/19 years old. They didn’t have cars and their parents couldn’t drive them to school. How else were they supposed to get there?

    • Howard Portnoy

      If your comment is in reaction to the question that ends the article, I was being facetious. The facet of the story that is likely to trouble people reading it is not than an 18-year-old takes a bus to and from school but that she is having sex on a school bus.

      • newjerseykills

        Ah, dry humor — the most misunderstood thing on the internet.

  • Steven

    Just wondering….Can a queff be lit with a match? I can see it now. President Hillary Clinton to Vladimir Putin, “Pull my finger.”


    • Howard Portnoy

      Steven, welcome back.

      • Stevenfromindiana

        There could be the “Breslaw” summit. Vlad can shoot skeet! I can see it now. Putin, bare chested on horseback, shotgun in hand, to Hillary special assistant, “Pull.” It could go down (oops, bad image in this context) like Malta.

        Uncle SI wonders if Hill can expell a mallard AND make the quacking sound at the same time? If so, she’s got a job.


      • teejk

        I was hungry until I read that. Now with that mental image in my head, I lost my appetite. I hope it returns in time for the Superbowl. Speaking of which, who had the bright idea to put it in Noo Jawsey? Our high temp for Monday is -12F. It should be hitting the east coast mid week.

      • Howard Portnoy

        Sorry about that, teejk. If it’s any consolation, she didn’t say she fires popcorn balls out of her hoo-ha.

        As to the SB, the NFL has already said they are willing to change the date/time if need be:

  • interestedobserver2

    The 18 year-old was probably a Freshman — too stupid to move up even in today’s pathetic educational environment. Anybody who’d have sex in the back of school bus full of kids while en route clearly demonstrates the kind of stupidity that will set records for decades to come.

  • ATLDave

    The answer to the last question is, “Because thats where the 13 year old boys are.”


    An 18 yr. old has sex with a 13 yr old girl, and he’s charged with harrassment????

    • Zaphod Smith

      Slow ain’t ya.. She is 18 he is 13.. and it isn’t clear that they were involved with each other.. Other than being on the same bus.

      • cabowabo78727 .

        Hey Zaphod, How can I read the words on your Avatar? My mouse pad is a US Flag; I have it rotated 180 degrees.

      • Zaphod Smith

        Well I thought you could just click on it to see a larger version of it.. But it looks as tho I was wrong.. So I will tell you.. Over the Flag is says (first line) The United States of America (second line) A nation in dire distress. Under the flag it says Title 4, Chapter 1. The Flag. Section 8. Respect for the flag. [ ] “a. The flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property.”

  • Eagle2758

    A queef is a pussy fart?