I’m a lesbian who hates cats. I’m going to die alone.

I’m a lesbian who hates cats. I’m going to die alone.

[Ed. – Breaking news from the New York Times]

I’m a newly single, 34-year-old lesbian, and I have a list of relationship deal breakers. I keep it on my phone, where an alarm reminds me to reread it each month. On this list are 49 (so far) personality or lifestyle traits I now know, from excruciating experience, that I’m so unwilling to negotiate — they can kill even the sweetest, most tender bud on the vine of romance.

Here are some of my personal deal breakers:

If you are …

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A gamer.

In a band and serious about it.

Self-loathing/not out of the closet/a Trump voter.

A birthday monster (someone who refers to their “birthday week” or “birthday month” and is “ha-ha, kidding!” but not at all kidding).

Someone who does improv.

Someone who actually just needs a mommy.

Or you are …

Bad at basic living, such as shopping for groceries, cooking or cleaning.

Born into major financial privilege and pretending to be broke.

A militant vegan.

Someone who posts excessively on social media about CrossFit, yoga or marathons.

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