After weeks of close contests and national debate, the fraught competition to decide America’s ugliest accent has finally come to a dramatic close. And the winner is that moonlit, magical city—the Paris of Allegheny County, the Venice of the Ohio Valley—Pittsburgh, City of Jagoffs.
By some unusual providence, our two finalists—Pittsburgh and Scranton—were from the stretch of land between Ohio and New Jersey that we call Penn’s Woods. The western steel town of Pittsburgh managed to make it out of the woods alive with the bloody body of Scranton in its raw mitt.
The final tally—despite the obvious fact that Zachary Quinto’s pleas coming from his handsome face were a convincing factor for everyone—was close. Pittsburgh only overcame Scranton by a mere 1,656 votes in a 54% to 45% win. The city of Scranton, by some small and weird miracle, voted almost as much for their city’s accent than they did for their current mayor, Bill Courtright.