[Ed. – Because snark. See the link for an unusually hygienic, positively groomed-looking photo of Belichick. That’s got to mean something deep. Something to do with an alternate universe, for starters.]
Below is a look inside the mind of the average New England Patriots fan’s psyche over the course of the past week, based on a combination of personal experience and chatter from around the echo chamber that is #PatsNation.
Stage 1: Denial
The balls were deflated? What does that even mean? Why would the Pats intentionally deflate the balls? Why risk it? And wouldn’t the refs notice if the balls were too soft, seeing as they handle them on literally every play? This seems like nothing. Let’s wait for the facts to come out. Who knows, maybe because the temperature dropped, that caused the ball to get softer. Someone’s checking on that, right? Seems possible. Yeah, this is nothing. It’s definitely nothing. On to Glendale.
Stage 2: Anger
People are actually still talking about this? News flash, America, even in a hypothetical universe where the Patriots did deflate their game balls, they were switched out in the second half. …
Stage 4: Self-pity
This is happening again? Seriously? After Spygate—and then David Tyree, and Brady’s knee, and Gronk’s everything, and Eli a second time—we can’t just enjoy this moment? Two more weeks of “Gate this” and “Ghazi that,” Belicheat, and every Bills and Jets fan coming out of the woodwork to do the trash-talking they haven’t been able to do in decades?