‘Noah’: Kind of an eco-goon ‘LOTR meets Avatar,’ but more stupid

‘Noah’: Kind of an eco-goon ‘LOTR meets Avatar,’ but more stupid

We now know what’s in the movie – and it’s worse than its worst critics described.

Spoiler alert: we will explore what’s in the film, in detail. It’s important to do so because so many religious people are so overjoyed to see a Bibically-based film that they seem to forget that the Bible has a moral system to it – and they seem to overlook the fact that that moral system isn’t just violated, it’s turned on its head in Noah. Noah doesn’t merely get the story wrong; like all Biblical adaptations, it’s bound to do that (although some aspects of the film are out and out ridiculous). It gets the morality of the story wrong, and in the process turns God into Gaia and morality into radical deep green environmentalism.

Here, then, are the top nine problems with the movie. Some are aesthetic; the most important are moral.

Turning Bible Into Lord Of The Rings-Style Myth.

Rock People. Yes, Treebeard’s slag cousins show up here, this time in the form of supposed fallen angels imprisoned in their stone bodies as a punishment for helping humanity. … These were supposed [to] be the Nephilim of Genesis 6:4. Those Nephilim, however, were not giant rock people tasked with bludgeoning legions of humans. [Ed. – This has been my beef.  The Nephilim described in Genesis were evil, not a kid-movie magical-helper race, and were a big part of the justification for the flood.]

Magic Methuselah. Methuselah…helps Noah see visions by giving him drugged tea, hands him a seed from the Garden of Eden that somehow becomes a magical forest on the spot, and can cure infertility by touching women’s wombs (somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is screaming, “keep your hands off my uterus!”). …

Great Sin: Primitive Fracking and Mining. Noah wanders the earth with his family in search of Methuselah’s mountain, and stumbles on a mining operation designed to uncover “zohar,” a magical substance that acts essentially like oil. The primitive fracking operation that has uncovered this zohar is seen as a disastrous environmental degradation. …

Great Sin: Overpopulation. … Noah fears human population growth, believing that it will undermine the environment.

Humanity Doesn’t Deserve to Survive. … In the Biblical narrative, God saves Noah because he is not immoral – because he walks with God. In the Noah story, God chooses Noah because Noah supposedly has the strength to do away with all of humanity. God chooses Hitler.

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